Guilt and Love
by Grey Tulip
Summary: An unusual request from Starfire hurls Raven's world upside down and lets two new emotions surface she did not meet before. Raven x Starfire
1. 28th of January

_So I decided to try a Teen Titans fic centering on Raven and Starfire once again. I hope you like it, and that I do a better job than with the two I already did._

**28****th**** of January**

"Friend Raven, do you know what the 'experimenting' is?"

The splintering sound of an exploding vase filled the silence in my room. I had lost control of my powers for a moment, totally taken by surprise by what Starfire said. I must have gotten it wrong.

"What? Where did you get that from?", I asked, aghast, but nevertheless trying my best to keep my calm.

"Friend Beast Boy asked me whether I had ever performed the experimenting with anybody. When I told him I did not know what he was talking about, he just said 'you know' and did this." She waggled her eyebrows in a way that was meant to copy the suggestive way in which he had most likely used it, but really, it mostly looked odd on her as it clashed with the innocent aura that seemed to surround her like a halo most of the time.

Good God, how do I explain something like that to her?

"Star…" I hesitated, before finally completing the sentence: "You know what sex is?"

She nodded enthusiastically. of course I knew that she only did so because she was her usual overbearing self, but my mind could not help seeing it as an enthusiastic response showing that she wanted to have sex. I tried my best to calm lust down, who had seen this as some kind of opening to take control. I forcefully pushed her down. I needed to focus on the task ahead.

"Have you and Robin ever…?" I honestly did not know where that question came from. It certainly had not much to do with what I was trying to explain.

"No, I never did the mating with Robin."

For some reason, my body seemed to react to that statement. Once again, I did my best to push the feeling down. Lust was perhaps the most dangerous emotion after rage. I had not had to deal with it too much as of yet, but Starfire was, next to Aqualad, one of the few people who had triggered it more than once. There were, however, several reasons to never let lust take control, the most important being the fact that I had no idea what would happen if I ever let it free. I had gotten a small taste of that the few times that I had lost control of it, like when we had gone to the beach the last summer and Starfire had worn a bikini that had left absolutely nothing to the imagination as it was even less cloth than she usually wore. The boys were drooling too, but they did not blow up every glass within three hundred feet radius. I explained it with an unpleasant memory of Trigon back then, but I could not be able to do that all the time.

"Some humans like trying sex out with a friend before they do it with their lover." That was all I said. I knew that I should be more critical regarding the subject. For some reason I was not.

"Oh, I see." She was silent for a moment. "Friend Raven, will you do the experimenting with me?" And just like that, there went another vase. I was just glad that my soul mirror could not break.

I did my best to fight down lust, but as my emotions were separated, they had a bigger freedom than they would otherwise. More so, it did not stand by itself. While rage did not care and both timid and wisdom told me that it was a bad idea, knowledge was curious, happy knew it would feel good, never mind the consequences, and brave just told me to 'go for it'.

"Please, friend Raven?" God, those doe eyes as well. This was Robin's girlfriend, who did not know that infidelity was not, as I had implied, something that was normal amongst humans either. It would be her first time, something that was reserved for a lover. This was wrong on so many levels. I really should not. I should use this opening to explain to her exactly why I would not do that with her, that I would likely destroy her relationship with Robin like that, do exactly what wisdom prompted me to do.

Instead, I found myself saying: "Alright, if you want to", before pulling her close and kissing her whilst phasing us both out of our clothes.


	2. 1st of February

_Alright, so here is the second chapter. I have been asked to write longer chapters, but this one is rather short, which I will try to avoid (no promises though, especially if I plan on updating halfway regularly) but it was already written by that time and seemed complete like it is now. Hope you like it, and now: on with the story._

* * *

><p><strong>1st of February<strong>

A good cup of tea usually does wonders for my calm, but at times even that has got its limits. There are several reasons for that to happen, but for the last few days it had usually been Starfire.

Like this morning, where I looked at her while she was walking into the kitchen, once again, like I already had the day before, asking myself why on earth that girl always had to wear so short and skin tight clothing. Somehow she was able to look like an angel in clothes that would have made nearly every other woman look like a slut, probably that vibe of innocence she brought with her. An innocence that I had taken from her. I had slept with a friend. A friend who was also the girlfriend of another friend of mine. God, this is so fucked up.

"Are you feeling good, friend Raven? You were doing the brooding again, and all the dishes exploded." Indeed I had been so sunken in my own thoughts that all the glass and porcelain in the kitchen had broken, and I had not even noticed.

"Yes, I'm alright, Starfire", I mumbled, before going up to my room as fast as I could without seeming suspicious. I knew that Robin, always being the detective, had already caught on to my strange behavior. It was highly unlikely that he would ever guess where my discomfort came from, but nevertheless, he was the last one whose suspicions I wanted to feed.

* * *

><p>Once in my room, the first thing I did was sitting down in front of my soul mirror. I had avoided talking to my emotions yesterday and the days before as I knew wisdom would lecture me as soon as I met her on how irresponsible I had been. The worst thing about it was that I knew that she would be right in everything she said. I knew from the beginning that nothing good could ever come out of this, yet I had thrown caution in the wind. While the worst possible consequence, that I would blow up the whole city during orgasm because I lost my control over my powers had been unfounded, the other problems still remained.<p>

The first one I approached was brave, who congratulated me on having the guts to pull through with my decision. An absolutely unnecessary comment which did not help me at all. I walked on to timid.

Timid simply asked me what I thought I would do if the others found out what had happened. She drew a horrid scenario that ended with everybody telling me that they had been my friend for the longest time before they kicked me out of the team.

I continued past lust (her commentary would most likely include something like how hot Starfire looked while naked, something that I did not need at all right now) on to happy, who only had to tell me that she did not like that I was so broody and worried and that I should just forget this chaos I had created for myself and and go have some fun. For some reason, that idea did not sound half bad right now.

Rage told me, with her typical malicious gleam in her eyes, that a real demon would just take what they liked, so I should kill Robin and claim Starfire and her body for myself. I shuddered. It was disconcerting, to say the least, that I still harbored this kind of thoughts, even if it was just in a small part in the back of my mind. I would do everything to keep myself from ever carrying out that plan.

Knowledge hardly acknowledged me, she was way too busy with sorting a new bookcase in the library, probably storing away my memories and thought processes of the last few days.

Now that I could not put it up any longer, I decided to go on to wisdom. My other emotions had not been able to give me any advice, and though I dreaded the obligatory "I told you so" she was probably the only one who could help me.

I had just exited the library when I found myself in another room that I had never seen before. In its center there stood a big television that showed short clips of memories. Robin and Starfire walking hand in hand. Starfire talking to me about her home world. A clip of her telling me that I was her friend and how she trusted me. Robin helping me regain my confidence before we defeated Trigon. Of him showing us all his most prized possession after we defeated Ding Dong Daddy.

A figure walked up to me from the other end of the room. She stepped up uncomfortably close in front of me. I had never seen this emotion before, but if I had not known who she was from the videos, I certainly did after her first sentence.

"Hey, Raven. So, what was it like to seduce your friend's girlfriend?", the emotion asked. She was clad in a sickly neon green robe that, just like herself, seemed to be intent not to be overlooked at any time.

"You're guilt, I suppose?", I asked the emotion as evenly as I could when facing the problems I had built for myself.

"As sure as the fact that you betrayed Starfire's trust", the emotion retorted. If anything, her reaction was only further proof that she was indeed guilt. She made absolutely sure that I would never forget why she was here.

I did my best to maintain my composure and asked: "So why weren't you here before?"

She grinned, and answered: "There never was any need for me. Now though, that you…"

"I know, I know", I interrupted her, before leaving the room as quickly as possible, hoping that this time I would actually encounter wisdom.

"You know, you can't walk away from me, Raven", she called after me. I shuddered. I knew she was right, my guilt would keep up regardless of what I did.

"You should have listened to me", wisdom greeted me in a tone of voice that made it absolutely clear she was less than amused.

"I know", I answered, ashamedly. "Can you help me, give me a tip, perhaps?"

"You did not want my help then, you won't get my help now", wisdom stated snappishly.

"Please?", I tried again. I did not really have a lot of alternatives, and though I felt a bit stupid begging my own emoticlone for advice, I did not really have an alternative.

"No", she stated calmly, before turning around and walking away.

I sighed and went back to reality. Now that really had helped me a whole damn lot.


	3. 3rd of February

_Sorry that it took so long for me to put up another chapter. I really hope that I will manage to update more regularly and with longer chapters, but I might not be able to as I am writing something else that is not on this side as well as 'Operation Granger' alongside it. Anyhow, enough of my rambling and on with the story._

**3rd of February**

She had knocked at my door at about fife in the morning. I should have known not to let Starfire in when she asked me to "perform the ritual of testing out" again. It should have been obvious to me what she was talking about, after all it was not like I had not thought about that nonstop the last few days. However, I had only realized what she was talking about when she was already standing in my room and her clothes pooled in a heap around her feet. I had been fighting a lost battle afterwards with trying not to let this get any further.

Lying on my side while looking at the red curls spread out on the pillow beside me, doused in the first rays of sun, I wondered how I had gotten here. I had found Starfire attractive from the beginning when I first met her, but back then I would not have thought of tricking her into something like this. Come to think of it, I still did not know why I did it. It would do me no good to once again remember all the reasons why what I did was wrong, and that I just made it worse by repeating my mistake, that now I could not even think of it as a single lapse in judgment. The question was what to do now. The bad thing about it: I had absolutely no idea how to go on.

I took the slumbering Starfire in my arms and teleported her back to her room. It would not do for her to be seen emerging from my room in the morning. I did not need Robin to find out what had happened between me and Starfire. Which brought me back to my problem. How would I resolve this situation without telling anybody what I had done? It was impossible.

With a sigh, I started my morning meditation. I would blow up everything even halfway within my reach if I did not put a lid to my raging emotions.

"Would you like to accompany me on my journey to the mall, friend Raven?"

"No", I answered, flatly. I really had to sort out my emotions before doing anything with Starfire again. It was barely eight hours ago that she had left my room, and even through nonstop meditation I had not been able to shake the images that remained from earlier out of my mind. Right now I was liable to blow something up or accidentally hurt someone.

"Please? Boyfriend Robin will help me do the shopping, but you doing these things with me is more fun", she said, with her best expression of a lost puppy look.

I heard the shatter of glasses behind me but did not dare look how many I had hit. It certainly were more than a few. Despite the fact that guilt was the first emotion that had surfaced, the second one also followed her mention of her 'Boyfriend Robin'. I did not really want to analyze it, afraid of what I might find, but the notion that it might be jealousy slipped past before I could shut the door on that line of thought. I was not sure yet whether it was, but one thing I knew for sure was that, if it indeed was jealousy, I really had a problem, or to put it more bluntly: I was totally screwed.

As suspected, I did not really have much fun at the mall, though it was entertaining to watch Starfire while she was fussing over shoes and earth customs. Other than that, the day was entirely uneventful, but the night was not.

I slept with Starfire again that night. This had several reasons, number one being Star's puppy dog eyes. I had been immune to them for years, so why they did affect me now I did not know. I did not want to think about it either, afraid once again of what it might mean. Secondly, I had already overstepped the boundaries that allowed me to still claim this was a one-time mistake. I could already feel guilt gaining more power, but right now, as it had already had happened, I could just as well ride it out – both figuratively and literally, given what we were doing.

My emoticlones held different advices for me. While wisdom still kept silent (though I had no idea whether she had not yet stopped feeling insulted at my former disregard of her opinion or whether she just had no idea how to solve this situation wisely), the others were willing to offer up their opinions (even though some were more helpful than others).

Lust's idea was to wake Star for another round, Guilt offered coming clean to Starfire about the situation, Happiness wanted to simply snuggle up to her and forget about the whole thing for a while, Timid stuttered that she would rather hide until everything blew over, Brave advised challenging Robin for a duel, Knowledge said to try and gain more, well, knowledge about how the others would react, and rage wanted to kill some innocent passer-by in a backstreet to blow off some steam. For once, I took Happiness' advice, something I rarely allowed myself to indulge in.

So I did what felt right and snuggled into Starfire's back, letting the comfort I drew from spooning her drown out the guilt, if only for the night.


	4. 21st of February

_This chapter is a little bit short, I know. It is essential for the story though, so I hope you like it regardless of its length._

**21st of February**

"Friend Raven?", Starfire asked from the other side of the bed. We had had sex again, like we had almost every night since our second time together.

"Yes?", I answered drowsily. I did not really feel like talking right now. In a few minutes guilt would settle in again, but until then I wanted to enjoy my post coital bliss.

"Do you think we have done enough of the trying out that I can do the mating right with Robin?"

This question made my insides twist. Guilt and some other emotions were surfacing again. Somehow I suddenly felt like crying. I really had not thought this would happen, despite the fact that that was what I told Starfire, that we were just trying out for the real thing. I simply never had in mind that not only was Starfire was Robin's girlfriend, but that it also worked the other way around.

Before I could stop myself and find a good answer, I had already blurted out: "No, Star, not yet." Composing myself, I surrounded her with my power. "I'm sorry, Star, I'm not throwing you out, but I need time to think." With that, I transported her back to her own room and bed.

When I was back in the sanctuary of my own room, I took my soul mirror and instantly immersed myself in my own mind, fully prepared to beg Wisdom for some advice, something I had avoided as of now. However, the sound I heard when I entered, a low crying, kind of like a baby, made me turn in a different direction first.

"What is that?", I asked incredulously once I reached the source of the crying.

In front of me stood Happiness, who carried a little bundle in her arms that seemed a whole lot like a baby emoticlone, clad in a red hamper. However all my emoticlones where always my age, so this one had to be something else.

"Hey, Rae", Happiness chirped, "look at your new emotion. Isn't she cute?"

The little emotion let out a light giggle in confirmation.

"Why isn't she my age?", I asked. "She looks like she's maybe to two or three."

"I don't know for sure", Happiness replied. "However, she is more human than anyone else here, so perhaps she is different like that."

"Who is she?", I queried. I had a good guess, but I really hoped against hope that I was wrong.

No such luck. Happiness just confirmed my suspicion. "She is Love. She is still growing", she added, motioning to the little bundle. I would have laughed at how cliché that was had it not had so dire consequences for me.

It was no use to pretend it was some other kind of love or for somebody else, and denial would not help me at all. It hurt to realize that I would want more with Starfire than I already had, when realistically I knew that even what we had now was bound to blow up in my face sooner rather than later anyways.

I knew Robin was suspecting something (though I doubted he knew what to make of it) since he had seen Star reading one of my books, written in an ancient demon language, on the couch in the common room. Upon his question she only said it was interesting. I was just glad that she did not tell him that she had gotten her language skills from kissing me, using her special power to instantly learn all the languages a person she kissed knew.

I knew it had already been a close call in that situation. I knew this, and I knew that I should end this now, while Love was still small, and it would hurt all the more if I gave her time to grow, but I could not find it in me to end what we had now, despite the fact that I was quite sure this was merely one sided. I knew from being an empath that Star enjoyed what we were doing and that she held genuine affection for me, but usually it was the affection of a friend. I had, once or twice, picked up the same strong emotion when she was with me that often flooded her mind when she was around Robin, but I did not dare hope: it still appeared around Robin, and it appeared around him all the more. Let alone that when she slept with me, she referred to it as "trying out", while with Robin she always talked about "mating".

"Star - Starfeire", the little emoticlone giggled, her pronunciation a little off but otherwise spot on.

"I know", I answered in the best emotionless voice I could manage right now. "I know."


	5. 3rd of March

**3rd of March**

I really should have known that this would happen. Truth be told, the only thing that was surprising was that it took so long until my 'relationship' with Starfire would blow up in my face. Now it had.

"Did I say anything wrong?", Starfire asked into the suddenly silent room. The three boys looked at her with eyes as big as saucers, and, in Beast Boy's case, a river of blood running from his nose. "Don't you earthlings say 'friend who is benefitting'?"

Cyborg looked at her oddly. "Star, you sure that you know what friends with benefits means?"

She nodded eagerly. "Yes, Friend Cyborg. It means Friend Raven and I have been partaking in the trying out of the mating."

He simply nodded calmly, other than Beast Boy, who once he had gotten past the dirty fantasies, began yelling: "Oy, that really ain't fair on Robin, going behind his back. I mean, this is totally hot, but I still don't feel too much like being you friend right now."

"No, Friend Beast Boy", Starfire innocently replied, "I think you misunderstand us. Friend Raven and I were just trying out the mating, we were not girlfriends behind Robin's back, nor anywhere else."

Worse than Beast Boy's reaction was Robin's. He had every reason to feel betrayed, after all he was the one who had to deal with the aftermath of my mistakes. The look that he gave me gave nothing away, but with my empathic abilities I could feel anger and betrayal rolling off him in waves, directed at both me and Star. I knew that it would be even worse once Starfire understood what I had done.

In the back of my mind I realized that my clothes transformed into Guilt's sickly green and all the windows in the tower were exploding, but I could not care less right now.

"Please believe me Robin when I say that Starfire never knew about this as anything other than a trial run. She truly believed we were doing something that was completely normal on earth." I could feel Star's confusion. It would only be a matter of time before this confusion turned to resentment. I could not bear to be present during that. "I'm so sorry, Starfire", I mumbled, before vanishing to my room.

I knew, realistically, that I should meditate now. I had just lost control over one of my emotions. However, the only thing I could do right now was flop down onto my bed and cry.

I could feel Starfire's emotions shift from confused to hostile, and it broke me to feel her anger, possibly even hate, towards me. 'It's your own fault, dimwit', I thought to myself, resigned.

A knock shook me from my thoughts. "You alright?", Cyborg's voice sounded from behind the door. When I did not answer he continued: "Look, Rae, don't think I ain't angry at you, but you're still my friend, an' I suppose you need someone to stand by your side now." He shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "So you wanna talk?"

I did not answer, but simply opened the door silently with my soul self. I was sitting with my cloak over my head and my back to the door. I could not let him see that I had been crying.

Once he had entered and closed the door behind him I started to speak.

"Thanks", I said, shocked at how scratchy my voice sounded. Then the events of the last month came flowing from my mouth, seemingly without my assistance. I skipped any details, but for some reason I told him about Guilt and Love. I had had a look at her through my soul mirror a few hours ago. She looked about 12 years by now. My tears had stopped by now, but I knew for a fact that she was still crying.

"I really don't know what to do now", I finished, shrugging helplessly.

"You could start by helping me with putting in new windows", he said, trying to lighten the mood. A strangled sound, somewhere between a laugh and a wail, escaped my throat.

Growing serious again, he continued: "I don't really know what you could do, honestly. Star is angry at both you and Robin right now, for what you did and how he reacted. You should say sorry, and at least try to explain yourself to her. Be honest, she won't accept anything else. As for Robin, try to avoid him as much as you can until he has cooled down a bit. With how he is acting now he might try to challenge you to a duel or something." He said this without any trace of humor to his voice. He was indeed completely serious. It made me swallow, hard.

"Thanks, Cyborg", I said again. Then I surprised both him and myself by hugging him briefly. I supposed the continued physicality between me and Starfire had made me at least a bit more tactile. "Would you leave me now? I really need to meditate."

"Sure." He smiled softly. "And I really mean it, you know? If you need help, just come to me."

With that, he was gone. Somehow feeling more content, I finally started to meditate.


End file.
